Unnamed Massarella Project
About This Project
Josephine was only 61 when she died in 2018. There was a time when I would have thought 61 is old. Time to wither up and wait. I was 58 when I applied to this award so generously provided by the Massarella family and LIFT. I was feeling the impending end, increasingly aware of how much closer I am to my death day than my birthday. I found myself depressed and debilitated by the typical questions we face all through our lives: who am I, how did I get here and why do I (still) do the things I do. At 20, 30, 40 we have time to make changes and follow new trajectories in our lives. Or assume we have, after all, tomorrow is promised to no one. But at 58 growth and change didn't feel like such an open field of possibility. It started to feel like opportunities belong to the past. Like alot of women, I ignored my career and goals to focus on my kids and their lives. My reasoning being they will only be kids once. Whereas my art practice will always be there, waiting. The problem is there is no financial reward for parenting and time does not stand still. When I felt ready to return to work and art, I found myself to be something unwanted and disregarded - an aging woman. I was living across the street from a clock tower that marked the quarter past, half past, quarter to and the hour. It felt like my life was slipping away in 15 minute intervals. I also had several digital clocks around and began to notice how the clock tower would start to lose time and fall out of sync with digital time. This reminded me that time is a construct and while there are drawbacks to aging the big plus is you aren't dead. Yet. This award seemed very serendipitous as it is meant to "assist female-identifying artists 50 years and older to return to filmmaking after a long absence. Who have had to step away from artistic practice for at least five years and need support in the research and creation of a first new work on their return." I was both pleased and concerned when I got the award. Do I still have the ability to make new work? Will anyone care? I decided to lean on something I have used to help me get through many times of uncertainty: fuck it, lets do this. Please check in as I update the project and its progress.
